I stood next to the window as we talked, the rain pouring down outside, our littlest below me sliding the pane up and down - Mama! Up! Mama! Down! Mama! Yock! (lock) went the window - booms of thunder rattled the house while the splatter of water pouring off the roof echo'd in my office.
"This has been a big setback...."
I'm not quite sure what he said after that because those words hung in my ears and clung to my bones. A light bulb moment in which I felt like I had been jerked out of my fog and placed squarely back in reality.
His "setback" is my "world crumbling."
It's been like this for the past, almost, three years...ever since the fire. Every "setback" sends me into a tailspin. My depression, I've come to realize, is much like an addiction. I can climb up the mountain, fight my way back to solid ground and find myself standing at the edge of the cliff taking in the glorious views and life can feel so good and so full, but I'm always perched there preciously on that edge. One slight slip, one little set back, and down I go, spiraling faster and faster and faster until life is, once again, completely out of control.
That's where I'm at right now - everything feels out of control. Every bit of ground we gained by pulling in the reigns at the beginning of the summer has been lost in these last few weeks. My despair, which comes out in the form of anger, is hurting the kids. I can see it in the way they talk to each other. I can see it in the way they talk to us. I can see it in their own, all too quick tempers. I have to pull myself together but I can not. I can not collect myself. I can not function. I can not breath.
"This has been a big setback..."
His words shook me because I realized he was right. It's a setback. It's not the world crumbling. This doesn't mean I'll never be home with the kids, it just means not right now. That jerk back into reality, if only for a second, was exactly what I needed.
As soon as he walked out of my office I picked up the phone and made the call. Due to some changes at work and being unable to fit it in my schedule, it's been a year since I've had a therapy appointment but it's time. It's time. I care too much about these boys and this family not to.
And maybe, hopefully, if I'm lucky, this will change the momentum from a setback to a step forward.