There are days that I long to come on here and just let all of my emotions come spewing out of my fingertips, to write it all down in hopes that its exit will leave my mind with a void that can be filled with more positive thoughts. I suppose I knew this time would come; things felt too easy in the beginning, even to me. I told friends that I fully expect to have it all hit me in a couple of months. Unfortunately, like most struggles, knowing they are coming doesn't make them any easier. I've been feeling so hurt lately and there has been anger and bitterness and a sadness that reaches into the depths of my being. I try to push the thoughts out of my mind or let them slide out through the tears and sometimes that works, but sometimes it doesn't. I'm overwhelmed with all that still needs to be done. I feel guilty for not being there for family and friends who are going through their own battles right now. And I'm worried. I'm worried about where this is going to leave us financially. I'm worried about Collin, who is internalizing all of the stress and I wish I were kidding when I say I'm afraid he's going to end up in the hospital. I want so badly to have it all together, to not feel like each day I'm unraveling just a bit more.
The only thing that truly does help is to think about the people in our lives that we've become closer to because of this; with each set of tears Collin reminds me of that.
When people ask how we are doing I tell them we're putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to move forward.
And we are.
And we will.
I have to believe that.