Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Bad days

There are days that I long to come on here and just let all of my emotions come spewing out of my fingertips, to write it all down in hopes that its exit will leave my mind with a void that can be filled with more positive thoughts.  I suppose I knew this time would come; things felt too easy in the beginning, even to me.  I told friends that I fully expect to have it all hit me in a couple of months.  Unfortunately, like most struggles, knowing they are coming doesn't make them any easier.  I've been feeling so hurt lately and there has been anger and bitterness and a sadness that reaches into the depths of my being.  I try to push the thoughts out of my mind or let them slide out through the tears and sometimes that works, but sometimes it doesn't. I'm overwhelmed with all that still needs to be done.  I feel guilty for not being there for family and friends who are going through their own battles right now. And I'm worried.  I'm worried about where this is going to leave us financially.  I'm worried about Collin, who is internalizing all of the stress and I wish I were kidding when I say I'm afraid he's going to end up in the hospital.  I want so badly to have it all together, to not feel like each day I'm unraveling just a bit more. 

The only thing that truly does help is to think about the people in our lives that we've become closer to because of this; with each set of tears Collin reminds me of that. 

When people ask how we are doing I tell them we're putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to move forward. 

And we are.

And we will.

I have to believe that.


amanda said...

I know that you've had these fears, even when you didn't say so. But remember when we talked the day of the fire, and you had fears about where you were going to live, and having to buy all new stuff, etc.? Well, God provided for you, through friends, family, and complete strangers. And He'll get you through this, too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other! Love you all!

Kelly said...

Oh Kate... I'm so so sorry. I can't even go there in my head, with what you all must be going through. Money worries SUCK! Trying to rebuild what you have worked so hard for must really SUCK! Having to be pregnant through all of the stress must SUCK (not the baby part of course... just the part where your already super emotional and can't even have a glass of wine). Then add the fact that you work full-time and have to live out of your comfort zone and take on all of these stressful tasks... super SUCKY! I know sorry doesn't fix it... but feel free to vent all you need. I've found that venting through my blog is WAY better then venting to my poor husband and friends. I know they don't mind... but it's nice to think I'm not adding my worries to their worries. I hope the house building goes smooth and that you guys can get situated and back to a new normal very soon. At least in a few months a new baby boy will bring a few extra smiles to all of your faces :D I also have to second Amanda’s comment above. God will never give you more then you can handle. He will provide! In a year or two this will all be in your past as you enjoy your future.

Gail Harper said...

Aw Kate! I too, am so, so sorry!

It's easy for me to say - "Give it God - he's got you covered". Yet, I know how difficult that really is for us Type A's to do. It's easy for me to say - "it'll all work out" when it feels like it never will. Try to remember that it's easier to see the path, that God was there with you all along, once you've reached the other side.
One day, you will look back at this mess and you'll understand. you'll see it clearly. I can't say it won't sting. But, you'll see.

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

KellyCow said...

Aww Kate... I can't imagine what this is like for you and your family. I second/third all the comments above. Going through this can't be easy, especially during the dreary wintertime. But, spring is coming, and along with flowers and green grass, the orieles and bluebirds will also be back.

Amanda said...

We agree with all above comments! We love you and are always are here for you ;) *hugs*

CAS said...

I love you and wish I could give you a huge hug right now! I WISH I could take it away!!! Some days it does just hit you... like a ton of bricks. That is Satan trying to take you down with this. You and Col are both strong!!! You will get through this and remember that All GOOD things come from God- he will get you through this hard time. One day at a time. Please ask for help from those around you- not only for your sanity but for Collins too (Men are not good at asking for help). What can WE do for you? We pray every night for you.

Jill said...

I have to be honest, I don't know how you guys have been shouldering all of this for this long. You have had so much weighing on you, I don't know how you're doing it! I've actually drawn strenghth from your example!

The important thing for you to do right now is take care of yourself and your family - both physically and emotionally! I know you love to blog, so if that will help, BLOG it out! There are SO many virtual ears connected who are more than willing to be your support net. And if that's not enough, please for your own sanity, call on us for help! I bet there is not a person who reads your blog who would not be willing to help at anything you asked. We're here for you! If it's just listening, grocery-shopping, baby-sitting so you can take a nap or you and Collin can go out to eat for a moment's peace - just ask! They may seem like small things, but small things can become overwhelming when there are enough of them. Again, we're here for you...what do you need??

Love and hugs to you all and continuing to send prayers your way!

Kate said...

Oh you guys. Thank you. Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. I was afraid to write this post, to put it out there that some days are, well, just not good. I feel guilty for being sad about losing Stuff, but along with it were so many memories and a sense of security. Maybe that's what is the hardest, I feel alone and so insecure, like I'm just waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. Thank you for understanding, seriously, all all mean more to me then I could ever put into words!


Kate said...

*you* all.

RealExams said...

this blog was wonderful and I'm so so sorry. I can't even go there in my head, thanks