Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Our house is a complete disaster, I can't keep up with and I don't know what to do.
Tonight I was playing Boom Boom Dinosaurs with Keaton, a game he usually plays nightly with Collin. All it is is crawling around the house going "Boom Boom, Boom Boom" but he loves it. We were having a good night with the boys but as soon as I got down on the floor and could see all the dog hair up close I lost it.
I don't want my children to think back on their childhood and have vivid memories of how Mom was always so upset about the state of the house. I don't want to quit playing Boom Boom Dinosaur, or any other games, because of the hair on the floor. But I also don't want to live in filth.
I knew when I went back to work this was bound to happen. I knew something would have to give. I knew we couldn't keep up with it all.
We've been picking and choosing, making exercise and diet a priority and trying to take some time for ourselves to unwind at night. But it has come at the cost of this house. It's messy and dirty and while I can overlook it for awhile it always catches up with me and ends with my yelling - not at anyone or anything in particular, just yelling, ranting. But that's not what I want my kids to see.
We've talked about hiring someone to come in a couple times a month but I just don't think we can afford it, at least not until we get these medical bills figured out. We've joked about getting rid of the pets (seriously, they are a solid 90% of the cause of the dirt) but the truth is we want our kids to grow up with and around animals. Plus, they are part of our family. We've talked about making a weekly chore list but we haven't actually done it - maybe this would help?
I just don't know what to do and I'm at my wits end - both with mess and with myself for getting so agitated by it. I know there are more important things in life to get worked up over and yet I can't control myself.
Help! What are your secrets for keeping up with the housework?
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
When we first brought him home from the hospital we had him in a bassinet right by our bed. This lasted, oh, 2 nights? Maybe. I remember spending a week or two sleeping with him on my chest on our chaise lounge in the bedroom. When he started sleeping too long like that and wasn't gaining enough weight to satisfy the doctors I know we tried a co-sleeper in bed with us. That lasted for a few weeks before Collin called it quits, at the time we still had a queen bed and there just wasn't enough room for all of us. I'm not exactly sure when we finally tried the car seat tucked inside the pack 'n play but I do remember thinking with the next kid we won't wait this long.
This was the key sleeping position for Keaton and he slept in there until he was six months old. Yes. Six months. At six months we decided it was time for him to start sleeping on his back and we transitioned to just the pack 'n play, still right next to our bed. It only took him a couple of days to make this transition and I truly believe it is because he was ready, we weren't forcing the change on him. He slept there for another two months before we finally moved him into his crib at 8 months.
When I was pregnant with Hutton I said that we'd try the car seat right away this time. And then guess what happened? Go on, just guess. That's right! We got a baby that hated his car seat! And so we had to start all over in finding the ideal sleep position.
We hated our first bassinet so while we were still expecting we traded it in for one similar to this, which we loved when we bought it but had no idea if the baby would actually like it. Thankfully, he did. But, I made one tweak to it that I think might have been key. In the hospital the cribs the babies lay in are elevated so I folded a blanket and put it under one end of the bassinet to raise it up just a bit. That blanket is still there.
We used the Halo Sleepsack provided by our hospital to swaddle Hutt at first and he did really good with this. Unlike Keaton who fought it from day one (although now I'm wondering if I had his tight enough in the first place). And when he was a few weeks old I started co-sleeping with him when he woke for his first feeding in the middle of the night. I was too nervous at first because he was so little, but I quickly got over that fear, and I'm really glad that I did because I actually feel like this is something I missed out on with Keaton. I co-slept once and awhile with him, but never nightly. Feeling Hutt's body tucked up against mine is the most comforting thing in the world. It makes it hard to get out of bed every morning.
So not only do we co-sleep but around one month of age we discovered Hutt likes to sleep on his tummy. For awhile we were letting him nap this way but always swaddling him and putting him to bed on his back. This slowly transitioned to him going down for the night on his tummy and me putting him in his swaddle when I went to bed, always hoping he wouldn't wake up during transition. And now to letting him sleep on his tummy until he wakes up to eat. He currently wakes up one or two times during the night, sometimes at 1:30 and 4:30'ish and sometimes he skips the 1:30 feeding and goes straight to 3:30 or 4:30, but he always, at some point, ends up in our bed.
And I'm telling you all this now as a prelude to Hutt's surgery story...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The few good points of this weekend: sleeping in, snuggling the boys in front of the fire, a fire that burned non-stop all weekend long, watching It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown with Keats, Keaton sitting nicely on my lap as I worked on the computer, Hutt's smiles and coos.
I have a number of posts in the hopper, including:
- Hutt's Surgery post - most of you all ready know the outcome (if you don't look back at my Twitter stream or Facebook updates from Thursday - the gist, it went really well) but I still want to do a post for his baby book. This is the only place I'm recording memories so I want to write it down.
- Keaton's 21 month letter - but at this point I might as well wait another week and write a 22-month letter.
- Hutt's 4-month letter - due Thursday
- Cloth diapering the whys and whats - some people have asked what brand we're trying and what led us in this direction...the details are coming
- Finish the gosh darn vacation posts! And right now you're asking: She's not done with those yet? Answer: No, she's not. I mean, I'm not. I have a few left I just need to get them done already. Why, at this point? For the baby books!
I'm considering linking my Twitter stream to Facebook. Does anyone know if there is a way to have SELECTED tweets go to Facebook? My problem is, I'm not sure I want EVERYTHING going there.
Next weekend is Halloween and then it will be November 1st. And can someone tell me how THAT happened?
Although I'm looking forward to November as we are planning a trip down to Indy to see Collin's sister and brother-in-law. It will be a nice, needed, break.
I think the slew of medical stuff going on around here has finally caught up with me. This weekend I have been so overwhelmed. It's odd, you'd think I'd be feeling the exact opposite now that everything is done. But that's just it, it's not all done. Hutt and I still have follow-up appointments to go to and, oddly, they are stressing me out. Not the appointments themselves but the fitting in of MORE stuff. It's left me feeling all out of whack and like there is no order in our lives right now.
Which takes me back to Point #1 - my crabby mood. It's a vicious cycle, this mood.
And on that note, I'm out. Good night guys.
P.S. Go Pack! We love you Favre...when you SUCK! Woo!!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
He can have breast milk until midnight and pedialyte from midnight to 5 a.m. No liquid after 5.
He'll have to stay overnight for monitoring. I forgot to ask whether I could stay with him. I'm packing a bag and planning on it.
Keaton will spend the night at Papa & Busha's tomorrow night and Collin will come home Thursday afternoon/evening assuming all goes okay and will come back to pick us up on Friday.
It's a routine surgery.
It's a routine surgery.
It's a routine surgery....
It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself this I can't shake the bad thoughts.
What if something goes wrong?
What if it is an off day for the anesthesiologist? or doctor?
What if he doesn't come back to us the same child?
What if he doesn't come back to us at all?
It's a routine surgery.
I'm kinda glad this is all happening so quickly (we just scheduled this morning), less time for me to sit around worrying about it, getting myself worked up any more than I already am.
I'm so happy that potentially by the end of the week he will be out of pain.
But I'm scared. It's my baby.
I know I would likely feel the same way in 3, 6, 9 months. I know I have to just have faith. I know that I have to trust in Him.
Prayers, good thoughts, etc. would be much appreciated.
I'm not sure if the hospital has Wi-Fi but if so I'll update on the blog, otherwise I'll post updates through Twitter.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
We had a busy weekend with family in town for a special little girl's (our new niece) baptism. We did sneak in a little outing I've been dying to tell you about but I've been so moody the past couple of days that I couldn't have even faked cheery if I tried and so I've been holding off.
I'm not quite sure what has caused my sour mood but I think it might be one or a combination of the following: not enough sleep, worrying too much about the state of the house because we had family staying here Saturday night, thinking that this 4 day weekend was going to be a break when a) I had my procedure on Thursday and b) I have two children who don't stop having needs just because Mama wants couch time, not enough sleep (did I mention that already?), and/or my pain-body needing negative energy to feed off of/rejuvenate itself (and now you're all, wha???? I came up with this after reading a few more sections in my book tonight - this book is nothing short of enlightening.)
I kinked my neck about 4, maybe 5, days ago sleeping on it wrong and it still freakin' hurts. When I come to a stop sign it takes everything I have to turn it from side to side. to check for traffic before crossing.
I called today to schedule Hutt's surgery. I'm still nervous for so many reasons and that will probably be a post in itself, but I know it needs to be done. This weekend was bad. Every time we put him in the car he screamed and I ended up climbing in the back seat. A trip that should have taken 15-20 min took over an hour because I had to stop twice to calm him down and nurse him (that's about the only thing that really settles him when he is that upset). My mom was with me and she was practically in tears listening to him. I think I have become somewhat desensitized to it and having her there reminded me just how bad it is. The doctor is out this week but the nurse I talked to said she'd look into Hutt's information and call me back and hopefully we can schedule this before the doc gets back into the office next week.
I suck at dieting. I haven't lost a single pound. I'm not sure why I kid myself into thinking this time the weight will come off easily, because weight has never come off easily for me! We are having a hard time fitting in exercise. It seems Collin and I will each get one or two days in a week and then the rest of the week falls apart. Also, I've been drinking WAY too much Coke at work and indulging in a chocolate treat in the afternoons. I've been keeping it to a small amount but still, it's EVERY afternoon! The thing is I WANT to work out, I WANT to eat healthy, I have the burning desire, I just need to figure out a routine that works and unfortunately I'm pretty sure that is going to mean less sleep. Collin and I are starting a new program on Monday - the one that Kira talked about here - so we better figure it out pronto. If anyone has good advice for fitting daily exercise into the schedule I'd love to hear it. This battle is so new to me - there was once a time that I spent 2 hours a night in the gym....but that was before I was married, before I had a house, and certainly before kids....for the past few years I feel like I've been flailing in this department and more then ever I feel the need to figure it out, to get back down to a healthy weight and feel good about myself again.
I never know if I should talk about that crap on here, I know it can get annoying, but it's heavy on my heart and mind right now as my doctor agreed last week that it would be beneficial to a future (hopeful) pregnancy if I lost some of this excess weight first.
I'm still trying to talk Collin into chickens. Keaton is totally on board. Tonight he asked me how I was going to get out to the coop in the middle of the winter. I told him *we* would have to shovel a path. Who will shovel the path? He asked. We? I told him.
I'm still working on Hutton's BIRTH thank yous. The kid is 3 1/2 months old! And once I finally get those done I've got to start on his baptism thank yous.
It's time for bed. Happy Dreams, all!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
As I knelt down to give Keaton a kiss goodbye I thought "I'm doing this for you."
Then I walked to the center of the kitchen where my mom was holding Hutton, leaned down and kissed his cheek and thought "I'm doing this for you."
In the car my eyes welled up with tears and I asked Collin, "what if this makes me loose a baby?" "What if I get cervical cancer?" He tried to comfort me by saying neither were going to happen, which only slightly helped. So I turned up the radio and tried to thump the nasty thoughts out of my mind.
After being escorted into Procedure Room B the nurse took my blood pressure and asked if I had any questions. In the reading I've done it has only said that electric currents are passed through a wire loop to remove the abnormal cells. I thought that meant that in essence the cells were being burned off. That was incorrect. The wire loop instead acts as a scalpel, actually cutting off and removing the part of your cervix with the abnormal cells. She told me to think of my cervix as a donut, they were basically going to remove a piece of the top layer. She then showed me a little cup and said, it will be small enough to float in here. And of course, I asked if I could take a picture.
There are a few other procedures that can be used to treat the abnormal cells but because my results were CIN 3 - severe dysplasia they needed to actually remove the tissue. The good news is because we have actually removed it hopefully the abnormal cells won't come back. Obviously nothing is for sure.
When the doctor came in the room he explained everything to me again. The abnormal pap that led to the biopsy, the biopsy results that led to this. He said because the biopsy came back reporting severe dysplasia I had to do this, I had to have these cells removed, there was no choice.
We talked at length about future pregnancies, about the risks from this procedure and he basically said that assuming all heals okay we could start trying again in about a month (we have no intentions of actually doing that, but the point is we don't have to wait for some certain amount of time). From what I understand this procedure doesn't necessarily increase my risks of having an early (first trimester) miscarriage, but it could increase the risk of having a miscarriage in the fourth or fifth month. I asked if there was anything I could do during the pregnancy to prevent this and he basically said no. They could check the cervix with an ultrasound one day, all could look fine, and it could decide to open the next.
His advice to me, which is the same piece of advice my old boss used to always tell me, was not to worry about what I can't control.
Of course you know I'm still going to worry.
After my feet were in the stirrups, the speculum inserted, and my cervix locked in place he used local anesthesia to numb the area. Before the loop was inserted he told me "now it is very important once this is inserted not to move because I've only numbed the area that will be removed." With that I took a deep breath and froze. Hell if I was going to even let that breath out, worried any slight twinge might cause the loop to knick a part of my un-numbed cervix.
Within, I don't know, seconds? he said "okay, we're done." And they lifted the plier looking thing that held a piece of my cervix up for me to see:
With that my doc said "wait, she wants a picture!"
(I have to be honest with you, the piece of tissue was larger than both Collin and I were expecting.)
After the removal was complete he cauterized the area. This was done for two purposes: 1) To burn off any remaining abnormal cells that they might have missed around the outside edges and 2) to prevent/stop heavy bleeding.
This was the worst part of the procedure to me. It wasn't necessarily painful, but it felt funny, I had some cramping, and it felt like it took awhile (though in actuality the whole thing only took 5-10 minutes). I didn't realize it at the time but Collin also said that the machine was pretty loud.
The nurse that brought me to the room and answered my initial questions suggested I take ibuprofen right away, before the doctor even came in. So by the time we left it had already kicked in and pain wise I felt better than I did after the biopsy. That doesn't mean I'm not gimp walking, but it didn't reduce me to tears, like the biopsy. It probably also helped that Collin was with me. But... now that I think of it... I did kinda snap at him as we were getting in the car and whimpered "Why can't you just be nice to me?!" when he tried to crack a joke, so maybe I was a little on edge.
Although that whimpering worked to my advantage as Collin took me through the Starbucks drive through for a Pumpkin Spice Latte on the way home - so if you ever have to have a LEEP I'd highly suggest the post-procedure whimper. I mean, if you like Starbucks.
We're home now and I'm camped out on the couch. I'm not in unbearable pain but it does feel better to just kinda sit here. So Mom's outside playing with Keaton, Collin's working on the basement, and Hutt's laying on the couch next to me - everyone is pretty happy!
I go back in four weeks for a follow-up to make sure everything has healed correctly and will have a pap every six months until I have three normal results.
Thank you all for the prayers, emails, phone calls, etc. I appreciate your support more than I could ever express!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Of all the nick names we could have come up with for this kid Hutter Butters seems to be the one I use the most...
We had a consult with a pediatric surgeon this afternoon to get a second opinion on Hutt's hernia. What's that country song with the lyrics "Thank God for unanswered prayers"? I was thinking about that song as we walked out of the Clinic's doors. Thinking about that song as we left the building and felt the warm sun on our skins. The skies were a beautiful blue and the trees are just about peak. It was a perfect day and everything felt right with the world.
The appointment went really, really well. We love the surgeon and we both feel like this is where we are supposed to be. These are the people that we want caring for our baby during surgery. I am so thankful today that our visit with the surgeon at the local hospital didn't go well. In fact thinking that we would have likely moved forward with surgery at the local hospital without getting a second opinion (had they been willing) made my stomach turn a bit.
That doesn't mean I'm not still nervous. I'm really nervous. I don't like the thought of putting him under and because of that we haven't actually scheduled the surgery. But here's the good news, this surgeon is willing to do the surgery whenever we want. He broke it down to these facts:
1) He has a hernia.
2) It is not going to heal itself.
3) The repair will be the same whether we do it tomorrow or when he is six months.
(Also! A big also! He acknowledge and agreed that it is causing him pain. Finally! Someone is listening to us!)
The only real difference between doing it now vs doing it a little later is that if Hutt is less than 52 weeks gestational age he will ask that we leave him at the hospital over night for monitoring. He said that babies brains younger than that haven't fully developed and as a result they may experience apnea following the anesthetic.
As for the surgery itself they will make a small incision in his abdomen to get to the hernia sac. They will have to move some veins and blood vessels (that flow to the testes) to get to the sac. Once there they will put a couple of stitches in it to close it off. The risk, in addition to the anesthetic, is that something would happen to the vessels carrying blood to the testes. Of course their are risks to every surgery and although I want this fixed asap, it does still scare me. Which is why I couldn't make the appointment today.
Although we've only seen the hernia on the right side, the surgeon told us there is a 30% chance that he also has one on the left side. So, while they have him under they will also make an incision on the left side to check. If there is one, they'll fix it in one shot. If not, at least we know.
Oh my gosh you guys, I just want to feel comfortable with all of this. Hutt broke down almost as soon as we left the hospital and it required us to pull over and me to nurse him to settle him down. We've just scheduled a visit with Cas & Ben in November - an 8 hour drive - I'd like this to be fixed before that, which means I need to schedule, like, now. I'm just still scared - eventhough we got such a good feeling from this guy. He was nice, he explained things to us, he talked and coo'ed with Hutt, it all felt right. I know I just need to trust Him, trust that He will be with our little guy during this whole thing, trust that it will be okay. It's just so hard. He's my baby. But I also want him out of pain....
In other news I need to shave my legs for tomorrow's appointment. I'm praying tomorrow also goes well. I'm scared but at this point I just want it over with. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers, they are very much appreciated. I'll keep you posted on my procedure.