When things like this happen the matters of your heart become so vivid, so clear, that it is almost frightening.
I feel guilty and selfish for what I’m about to tell you but the thing is, it’s in my heart and even if I try to squelch it, the feeling, the desire, will not die out.
I want another child.
I don’t want to take anything away from my boys by admitting this. They are my life. They are my everything. I love them with my heart and soul and am so thankful for being blessed with them. But when I think about our family, when I feel our family, I feel like someone is still missing.
I didn’t realize how deeply I felt this until Wednesday afternoon when the nurse called me with the results of my biopsy.
CIN 3 – Severe dysplasia.
I was in such shock when she told me that when she asked if I had any questions I said no. I knew this could likely be the result of my test and yet it took me by utter surprise to hear the words.
Of course now that I’ve had time to process this I have tons of questions. But my most burning questions are in regards to a future pregnancy.
On October 7th I have to have a LEEP procedure done to treat it. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m sad. On one hand I don’t want them messing with my cervix. I don’t want them to do anything that might cause me to lose a baby in the future. On the other hand I have two beautiful little boys; I can’t take the chance that this will turn into cancer.
I plan to ask lots of questions before the procedure is completed, but the thing is, my doctor will not be able to answer the one question that is burning in my heart – will I be able to have another child? No one can answer that, except Him. All I can do is pray and accept the outcome that is His will.
I walked out of his appointment dismayed. The elevator doors hadn’t even shut before I looked at Collin and said “If this doesn’t get better, and fast, I’m taking him to Aspirus.”
He agreed and now that we’ve talked more I don’t think we’re even going to wait it out, I’m going to call this week to schedule an appointment for a second opinion.
Hutt’s consultation with the surgeon was on Friday. They want to wait until he is 6 months old to do surgery. That’s four more months.
On one hand, I’d feel more comfortable putting him under when he is a little older. On the other, four more months of the kid being in pain?
A number of family and friends have told us not to take Hutton to the local hospital to have surgery. All have said take him to Aspirus. I could have canceled our appointment on Friday but my gut wasn’t telling me to be weary and so we went. I believe everything happens for a reason though and so I wonder if the news we received on Friday was because we weren’t supposed to take him there; if it was because we were supposed to go elsewhere. For now, I’m finding peace in this thought.
It’s been a rough week getting and processing all of this news. Thank you all for your comments, texts, emails, direct messages, facebook messages, etc. through all of this. I apologize if I have not yet gotten back to you; please know that they were so very much appreciated. After reading them all I could think was, man, my friends and family rock!