Sunday, September 12, 2010

Medical Updates

When things like this happen the matters of your heart become so vivid, so clear, that it is almost frightening.

I feel guilty and selfish for what I’m about to tell you but the thing is, it’s in my heart and even if I try to squelch it, the feeling, the desire, will not die out.

I want another child.

I don’t want to take anything away from my boys by admitting this. They are my life. They are my everything. I love them with my heart and soul and am so thankful for being blessed with them. But when I think about our family, when I feel our family, I feel like someone is still missing.

I didn’t realize how deeply I felt this until Wednesday afternoon when the nurse called me with the results of my biopsy.

CIN 3 – Severe dysplasia.

I was in such shock when she told me that when she asked if I had any questions I said no. I knew this could likely be the result of my test and yet it took me by utter surprise to hear the words.

Of course now that I’ve had time to process this I have tons of questions. But my most burning questions are in regards to a future pregnancy.

On October 7th I have to have a LEEP procedure done to treat it. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m sad. On one hand I don’t want them messing with my cervix. I don’t want them to do anything that might cause me to lose a baby in the future. On the other hand I have two beautiful little boys; I can’t take the chance that this will turn into cancer.

I plan to ask lots of questions before the procedure is completed, but the thing is, my doctor will not be able to answer the one question that is burning in my heart – will I be able to have another child? No one can answer that, except Him. All I can do is pray and accept the outcome that is His will.

**

I walked out of his appointment dismayed. The elevator doors hadn’t even shut before I looked at Collin and said “If this doesn’t get better, and fast, I’m taking him to Aspirus.”

He agreed and now that we’ve talked more I don’t think we’re even going to wait it out, I’m going to call this week to schedule an appointment for a second opinion.

Hutt’s consultation with the surgeon was on Friday. They want to wait until he is 6 months old to do surgery. That’s four more months.

On one hand, I’d feel more comfortable putting him under when he is a little older. On the other, four more months of the kid being in pain?

A number of family and friends have told us not to take Hutton to the local hospital to have surgery. All have said take him to Aspirus. I could have canceled our appointment on Friday but my gut wasn’t telling me to be weary and so we went. I believe everything happens for a reason though and so I wonder if the news we received on Friday was because we weren’t supposed to take him there; if it was because we were supposed to go elsewhere. For now, I’m finding peace in this thought.

**

It’s been a rough week getting and processing all of this news. Thank you all for your comments, texts, emails, direct messages, facebook messages, etc. through all of this. I apologize if I have not yet gotten back to you; please know that they were so very much appreciated. After reading them all I could think was, man, my friends and family rock!

5 comments:

Gail said...

...whoa...Kate, no matter what I have to say, it's not going to fix anything for you but, I want you to know that I'm praying for you..for God's will and the strength for you to accept it whatever it may be. Watch the mail - a care package will be coming soon!

Em said...

I understand what you mean about feeling in your heart that your family isn't yet complete. I am praying that all will go well with the LEEP procedure (thanks for linking to more info. on that so that I better understand it) and that you'll have as few complications as possible in completing your family. I'm also glad to hear you're getting a second opinion for Hutt. Even though he's so young now, waiting four months also seems like a long time to me. Keep praying, having faith, and trusting your heart, hon. It'll keep leading you in the right direction. I love you!

Kate W. said...

Ugh!

I had the LEEP done (a long time ago) and talked extensively with my OB even before I had children. It wasn't painful but I do remember the whole pad wearing etc. being gross.

I completely understand about not thinking your family is complete- don't feel guilty. You are taking nothing away from your boys by wanting to add to their lives. What about a second opinion for you also? Not that the outcome of surgery would be different but maybe help your fears?

Prayers coming your way!

Jill said...

I wish I had the right words to ease your anxiety, but I'm certain nothing can at this point. Just know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you're getting a second opinion on Hutton...I had the same reaction you did at hearing they wanted to wait 4 more months! Hopefully the 2nd consult will go better.

And with your news, I know it is not what you wanted to hear, but I am at least grateful that they found it now and are able to get you in for treatment. I'm praying for your strength through the treatment and to stay strong for your boys who love their Mama so much! And don't feel guilty or selfish about wanting more children...it's a testament to how great of a mother you are and how blessed you feel for your two precious gifts and that you want to share more. I wish every child could be loved that much! Keep your faith and God will lead you and your family in the best direction for you all! Love and hugs!

Amanda said...

Things right now are all in God's hands. You are an amazing mother with so much love to give. Whether you are blessed with another child or simply get to enjoy the two wonderful babies you have, your life will be full of love. Stay strong, keep praying and know that you have friends who are here for you :) Love ya!!!