Monday, March 15, 2010

For Tonight

It was 11:05 when I finally made my way to bed. I pulled down the covers, snuggled in, and tried to make my way to dreamland. At 11:13 I heard your first squeak and my eyes instantly popped open and looked at the clock. I listened intently, wondering if you were really awake or just passing through a light phase of sleep. Within seconds you were whining and I knew you were up. I wanted to jump out of bed that instant but we have a 10 minute rule where we wait it out to see if you can console yourself and fall back to sleep without assistance. Most nights this isn’t hard to do, I don’t usually want to get up and typically by about minute 7 you have quieted down. This night was different. I had to force myself to stay in bed and I painstakingly watched every minute tick by.

When the obligatory time was up I swung my legs out and planted my feet on the ground. I walked into your room and scooped you up and instantly you settled down, put your head on my shoulder and snuggled into my body. As I sat in the glider my head was telling me this was not a good habit to start. When the new baby comes we need you to be able to put yourself back to sleep every night. But despite what my head was saying, my heart said that at this moment I was exactly where I wanted to be.

In four and a half short months you will no longer be the baby. You will be my big boy; the older brother to your little brother or sister. That thought both excites me and makes me a little sad. On nights like this, when you need mid-night consoling, it will likely be Daddy who will have to take the job as I will be busy nursing the baby throughout the night.

So for tonight I don’t care what my head says, I’m going to hold you close to me, rock you and breathe in your sweet scent. We’ll worry about bad habits later, for tonight you are still my baby.


Andrew Ryne said...

Well written Kate - Imy feelings exactly! I've been struggling with the same thing, Im not quite ready for him grow up in just 2 short months :( I've been more emotional about Andrew this pregnancy than I am about the new baby. I just keep telling myself that the moment the new baby is here and part of our family everything will owrk itself out. But I agree with you, screw the 10 minute rule for now. These are his last months as an only child :)

Jill said...

I teared up when I read, so true and you need to enjoy those moments because you're right, there will be fewer of these moments once the new baby arrives. But take comfort, I do still have to sneak a few of these with my "big girl" as long as she still wants to be snuggled as my "baby!" :)

Em said...

This was so precious to read, Kate. Thank you for sharing these thoughts through your writing. The emotion really came through, and I found myself tearing up even though I don't fully understand what it's like. Love you, hon. Enjoy these last few months with your baby. :)