So, I went and told you guys our big half marathon news and naturally, as soon as I hit publish our training went to shit. It started Labor Day weekend when we were up at the cabin and got off of our schedule. That Monday, when we were supposed to run 3 miles, we took the dogs for a walk with my parents and on our way home Collin rolled his ankle, the same ankle that he has previously broken two times. Almost immediately it started to swell up and so our run that night got cancelled. We justified skipping it since we had gone on a 3 mile walk that morning. But, since then the skipping of runs has continued while the justifications have not. In the past two weeks we’ve missed more runs then we’ve completed. I’m hoping if we get back on track next week we’ll still be able to compete as planned.
I do want to send out a very, very big thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so supportive of this endeavor. The tips, advice, and cheers, especially the cheers, have meant SO much to us!!
Because of your tips I have, thankyougod, finally gotten over the shin splits. Which means, of course, I’ve moved on to the next ailment: chaffing. I’ve struggled with chaffing in the past, my underarms and inner thighs have particularly given me problems. So before each run I lube up with Vaseline and this, so far, has completely prevented it. I followed this same routine last Saturday before my 10 mile run and walked out the door with no worries. The run was difficult at best and I made a few fatal errors, starting too late in the morning and forgetting to wear sunscreen were two. The third is something I had never considered.
***Before I go any further I should warn you that what follows might be TMI. In fact Collin tells me it is inappropriate to share this on the Internet. I tell him it would be inappropriate for me NOT to share this on this Internet. People need to know the hazards of this sport!!***
So, I lube up my arms and thighs, right? Well, it did not occur to me that my ass cheeks might rub together in a way in which to cause chaffing in my butt crack. I get home from my run and I suddenly find myself wondering, what is wrong with my butt?? Why is it stinging? And so I go check it out and YOU GUYS!! It looks like a UFO has landed in my ass. Each cheek has a bright red half moon where the skin has been rubbed raw and if you position them just right it forms a perfect circle, just like some sort of spaceship has touched down. That night Collin and I lay in bed and he asks
“How’s your Mars landing doing?”
“Your Mars landing?”
“I have no clue what you are talking about.”
“Oh! That!! Yeah, it’s okay.”
So yeah, anyway, I had to share that with you because, DUDE, butt chaffing, no one told ME about this!
And while I’m sharing inappropriate material on the Internet I might as well go ahead and tell you what happened to me at work today.
So, I’m sitting in my office and I realize, hmmm, I have to go to the bathroom. And my bathroom I mean “bathroom” if you catch my drift. Something you must know about me is this: I am a shy public pooper. I can not poop if someone else is in the bathroom with me. Can Not. My body physically won’t do it. Ask my college friends, I used to make one of them go to the bathroom with me to “push the pooper” (a/k/a hand dryer) each and every time I had to go to the “bathroom”. So I’m sitting in the bathroom and someone walks in there and GET THIS sits in the stall next to me. There are 4 stalls in our bathroom and I was at the very last one and neither of the other three were in use and yet she sat right next to me! After she shuffles in and gets settled she just sits there and she’s absolutely silent, and that’s when I realize it, she’s also a shy pooper. Damn it! This can not end well. You can not have two shy poopers sitting RIGHT next to each other and so I vow that I will outlast her. I will sit here all afternoon if I have to. I am not giving up my dominion as shy pooper of this bathroom.
It feels like 20 minutes later (in actually it was probably 2 or 3) when another bathroom patron walks in and takes care of business. As she’s finishing up I hear my neighbor start to move things along and I realize I’VE WON, I’VE WON the shy pooping challenge. She finally exits the stall, washes her hands, and moseys on out of the bathroom and finally, FINALLY I can have the bathroom in peace. YAY!
Five minutes pass and the door opens back up and I silently curse under my breath knowing I’m going to have to wait out another patron. As I’m sitting there, still cursing, the door next to mine opens and someone sits down in my neighboring stall AGAIN! Oh, you have got to be kidding me, I think to myself as I throw my hands up in the air. The person shuffles into their spot, gets settled, and then is silent. It’s like déjà vu. Oh no. Do not tell me it is true. Shy Pooper # 2 is back!! WTF? What shy pooper sits in the neighboring stall of a shy pooper not once but TWICE?? It is now that I realize I have to throw in the towel; there is no winner in this race. And so, in defeat, I left.
If I ruled the world I would make very specific rules about bathroom etiquette and they would go something like this:
1. If the bathroom is occupied by a pooper and your business does not involve pooping, please complete your transaction as quickly as possible. Use the restroom, wash your hands, and get out. This is not the time to comb your hair or apply make-up or wash your friggin’ coffee mug ohmygod!
2. If you’re using a bathroom with 3 or more stalls and one is in use it is imperative that you choose the stall furthest away from the current patron. If two or more stalls are in use this rule can be broken. But if you know there is a shy popper in the stall next to you, please strictly adhere to rule # 1 above. Thank you.
3. Bathrooms can only hold 1 shy pooper at a time. It does not matter how large the bathroom is or how many stalls are available. 1 at a time. There are NO exceptions. If you are a shy pooper and you walk into a bathroom occupied by another shy pooper you MUST TAKE YOUR POOP ELSEWHERE!!!
Jeeze. Butt chaffing and shy pooping. Aren’t you glad you stopped by here today?