Thursday, September 17, 2009

Training Update & Other Inappropriate Content

So, I went and told you guys our big half marathon news and naturally, as soon as I hit publish our training went to shit. It started Labor Day weekend when we were up at the cabin and got off of our schedule. That Monday, when we were supposed to run 3 miles, we took the dogs for a walk with my parents and on our way home Collin rolled his ankle, the same ankle that he has previously broken two times. Almost immediately it started to swell up and so our run that night got cancelled. We justified skipping it since we had gone on a 3 mile walk that morning. But, since then the skipping of runs has continued while the justifications have not. In the past two weeks we’ve missed more runs then we’ve completed. I’m hoping if we get back on track next week we’ll still be able to compete as planned.

I do want to send out a very, very big thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so supportive of this endeavor. The tips, advice, and cheers, especially the cheers, have meant SO much to us!!

Because of your tips I have, thankyougod, finally gotten over the shin splits. Which means, of course, I’ve moved on to the next ailment: chaffing. I’ve struggled with chaffing in the past, my underarms and inner thighs have particularly given me problems. So before each run I lube up with Vaseline and this, so far, has completely prevented it. I followed this same routine last Saturday before my 10 mile run and walked out the door with no worries. The run was difficult at best and I made a few fatal errors, starting too late in the morning and forgetting to wear sunscreen were two. The third is something I had never considered.

***Before I go any further I should warn you that what follows might be TMI. In fact Collin tells me it is inappropriate to share this on the Internet. I tell him it would be inappropriate for me NOT to share this on this Internet. People need to know the hazards of this sport!!***

So, I lube up my arms and thighs, right? Well, it did not occur to me that my ass cheeks might rub together in a way in which to cause chaffing in my butt crack. I get home from my run and I suddenly find myself wondering, what is wrong with my butt?? Why is it stinging? And so I go check it out and YOU GUYS!! It looks like a UFO has landed in my ass. Each cheek has a bright red half moon where the skin has been rubbed raw and if you position them just right it forms a perfect circle, just like some sort of spaceship has touched down. That night Collin and I lay in bed and he asks

“How’s your Mars landing doing?”
“What?”
“Your Mars landing?”
“I have no clue what you are talking about.”
“The spaceship!”
“Oh! That!! Yeah, it’s okay.”

So yeah, anyway, I had to share that with you because, DUDE, butt chaffing, no one told ME about this!

And while I’m sharing inappropriate material on the Internet I might as well go ahead and tell you what happened to me at work today.

So, I’m sitting in my office and I realize, hmmm, I have to go to the bathroom. And my bathroom I mean “bathroom” if you catch my drift. Something you must know about me is this: I am a shy public pooper. I can not poop if someone else is in the bathroom with me. Can Not. My body physically won’t do it. Ask my college friends, I used to make one of them go to the bathroom with me to “push the pooper” (a/k/a hand dryer) each and every time I had to go to the “bathroom”. So I’m sitting in the bathroom and someone walks in there and GET THIS sits in the stall next to me. There are 4 stalls in our bathroom and I was at the very last one and neither of the other three were in use and yet she sat right next to me! After she shuffles in and gets settled she just sits there and she’s absolutely silent, and that’s when I realize it, she’s also a shy pooper. Damn it! This can not end well. You can not have two shy poopers sitting RIGHT next to each other and so I vow that I will outlast her. I will sit here all afternoon if I have to. I am not giving up my dominion as shy pooper of this bathroom.

It feels like 20 minutes later (in actually it was probably 2 or 3) when another bathroom patron walks in and takes care of business. As she’s finishing up I hear my neighbor start to move things along and I realize I’VE WON, I’VE WON the shy pooping challenge. She finally exits the stall, washes her hands, and moseys on out of the bathroom and finally, FINALLY I can have the bathroom in peace. YAY!

Five minutes pass and the door opens back up and I silently curse under my breath knowing I’m going to have to wait out another patron. As I’m sitting there, still cursing, the door next to mine opens and someone sits down in my neighboring stall AGAIN! Oh, you have got to be kidding me, I think to myself as I throw my hands up in the air. The person shuffles into their spot, gets settled, and then is silent. It’s like déjà vu. Oh no. Do not tell me it is true. Shy Pooper # 2 is back!! WTF? What shy pooper sits in the neighboring stall of a shy pooper not once but TWICE?? It is now that I realize I have to throw in the towel; there is no winner in this race. And so, in defeat, I left.

If I ruled the world I would make very specific rules about bathroom etiquette and they would go something like this:

1. If the bathroom is occupied by a pooper and your business does not involve pooping, please complete your transaction as quickly as possible. Use the restroom, wash your hands, and get out. This is not the time to comb your hair or apply make-up or wash your friggin’ coffee mug ohmygod!

2. If you’re using a bathroom with 3 or more stalls and one is in use it is imperative that you choose the stall furthest away from the current patron. If two or more stalls are in use this rule can be broken. But if you know there is a shy popper in the stall next to you, please strictly adhere to rule # 1 above. Thank you.

3. Bathrooms can only hold 1 shy pooper at a time. It does not matter how large the bathroom is or how many stalls are available. 1 at a time. There are NO exceptions. If you are a shy pooper and you walk into a bathroom occupied by another shy pooper you MUST TAKE YOUR POOP ELSEWHERE!!!

Jeeze. Butt chaffing and shy pooping. Aren’t you glad you stopped by here today?

19 comments:

amanda said...

Isn't it just like every other conversation we have????? Just kidding! I also have a story about butt chaffing, but I'm not going to describe it. Trust me. Good luck!!!

amanda said...

I should add here that, more often than not, I was the "pooper pusher!" The things we do for friends.....

Gail said...

I too, am a shy pooper! At my old job, I used to drive home so I could go! I can't tell you how many times I have danced in the last stall waiting for some woman to finishing primping so I could go!

I never had a "pooper pusher" but, I will reach back with my elbow and flush as many times as I need to!

I'm sorry you hurt your butt! :(

BTW, thanks, I needed a laugh this AM!

Kira said...

I have to say, I don't think I have read the word poop that many times in one sitting before...and I'm a nurse!

I think it may be time for a challenge though. I for one, am NOT a shy pooper, thought I would just put that out there. You would not even realize how freeing it is and hilarious I might add! I would love to be the only one in a public br, but in the off chance I'm not, I'm one who can't sit and wait it out. So if I ever meet any of you in a neighboring stall, 1. I won't sit right next to you, come on who does that, 2. I will do my business and leave you in peace, and 3. I may be the one with the muffled laughter! Try it Kate, you will forever be changed (maybe not a work first, like Kohls or something)!

Kate said...

@amanda yes, yes you were. Thank you for your pooper pusher services!

@Gail Shy poopers unite!

@Kira I envy you. And I'll be listening for the muffled laughter :)

Em said...

YEOW...that chafing sounds ouchy! Poor girl! Also, I completely abide by your bathroom rules of etiquette. It's hard to understand why people would PICK to sit in the stall right next to someone else if there are others available...seriously, people! I could so relate to the whole "waiting it out" story. Ah, the angst of us shy poopers... ;)

Kate said...

@Em agreed. It boggles my mind that she would WANT to sit there.

Em said...

Oh! I forgot to mention...I SO remember being a "stand in" pooper pusher when I visited you at college during my spring breaks...haha. :) Ah, memories... ;)

Amy Bomstad said...

Your poor butt! Keep the uncensored posts coming. I think all the followers of your blog look forward to a laugh when they see you have a new post.

Aubrey said...

I used to be a shy pooper. In college I went down to the lobby bathroom because it was a single room that could be locked. Always! And it got difficult at night when everyone looked weird at the girl comeing down in the robe to use the bathroom. But since having kids and having "THE WEIRDEST" poop conversations in the stall, I'm now much more able to go when it's needed. Also w/ all of Mags bathroom issues...it would be somewhat hypocritical to NOT go when necessary.

As for bathroom etiquette, I totally agree, but I still think the washed hands censor needs to be installed. Do you remember the Washington trip and talking about that? The buzzer goes off for anyone who doesn't wash their hands as they leave the bathroom w/ a bright flashy light as they head out? Totally needs to get invented!!

Kira said...

@aubrey I totally agree with the washed hands sensor! I will save you the whole lengthy story, which is pretty funny in it's entirety(sp?), but I once was in a public bathroom so long that 3 seperate patrons came in to use the bathroom while I was there and all 3 walked out without washing their hands! WTH! Thus is why I never touch door handles in/out of restrooms!

Gail said...

@ Aubrey - I CANNOT believe the # of people I hear leave the women's room without washing!!

And I meet SO many people in a day, shaking their hands and then I wonder who hasn't washed after the pottie...

Hand Sanitizer = the BEST invention EVER!

CaS Shim said...

You'll both do fine running- if you can run 10 your doing great! It should be cooler by the race so less worry about chaffing. And there is not time limit so the run or walk if it needs to be can take as long as it needs to be- just enjoy it - is the key and there will alot of people cheering you on from sidelines. I am doing my 10 run on Sat. It is harder when one is not able to run ( I know with Ben getting surgery) but you can do it! You are hilarious btw!!!! I love it!

malinda said...

Although it sounds like Vaseline is working well for you, there is a product called Body Glide "the original anti-chafe". It works fairly well, but you do have to "lube up" as Alex would say. Runners get the chafe lots-o-different places...welcome to the nasty side of running longer distances!

Buck said...

Kate! I'm so glad you bring up the issues that are on everyones mind but usually won't talk about. I have so many bizarre poop stories I could probably write a book. I on the other hand am not a shy pooper. But that does not mean I'm the guy that walks in picking a stahl aimlessly, sits down, sighs and groans, lets out a thunderous fart, lets out a couple more moans coupled with wet farts, then gets up and leaves like you were never there. WTF! I want to meet that guy. He might be my hero. Who does that? The reason I actually enjoy public pooping stems from multiple toilet plugging events. You Can't Plug a Public Toilet. And if you some how find a way to conquer that incredible feat, well you don't have to unplug it so F@#$ it right. I share my many poop stories only in the flesh so you can get the full benefit of my reproduction of the actual event. And I end with, It Will Happen To You, And when it does you will know what I'm talking about. Shit Happens!

Buck said...

Shit! Kira just read my comment and called me out on the misc. guy that walks in with total disregard for fart space. Yeah, that's me (someone has to do it). If you act like the fart surprises you then it doesn't seem as rude.

Amanda said...

Kate...there is a single stall bathroom in the lunchroom :) Just for future use ;)

amanda said...

So much for Collin thinking this was inapproprate!

Kate said...

@Aubrey I DO remember the talk of the washed hands censor and I SO think someone needs to come up with that.

@Kira your story is the very reason that I no longer leave the bathroom without using a paper towel to open the doors.

@MaLinda Body Glide. I'm writing that down. Thanks!

@Buck if people didn't know we were related before now, I'm pretty certain they do now! And yes, it WILL happen to you. I didn't beleive that until my little poop my pants episode last summer. You are so, so right.

@amanda wait. why did I not know there was a single stall bathroom before now???

@everyone Thank you SO much for all the comments. After I hit publish on this post I was a little nervous this was in fact inappropriate and that it might offend people. I very happily came home last Friday, put my hands on my hips, looked at Collin and said "So, I had 14 comments on my blog today. People want to talk about poop." You guys totally made my day!!