Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Family Weekend

Despite the hysteria on here Monday, we actually had a really awesome weekend with my family this past weekend. On Saturday morning we piled into my car with Justin and Kira and headed south. Yes. All four of us traveled in my car. I'm really not sure how we did it either :)

On Saturday afternoon we celebrated C.'s 4th birthday in true Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fashion. Did you know my brother can still name all four turtles, provide their weapon of choice, and give you explicit details on their personality? I was pretty impressed. I mean, he was like our own TMNT reference book. As he was rattling through each turtle he came to the Orange one, which would be Michelangelo and stated "he's the partier." About 10 minutes later the little boy who was sitting at the opposite end of our table said "Mom, the orange turtle is crazy!" Kids crack me up. Don't ever think they aren't listening.

After the party we checked into the hotel where (because it was Mother's Day weekend) we allowed my mom to pick the programming and we watched The Princess Diaries. Kira and I thought this was a fine selection, Collin and Justin?? Ummm, not so much. But they sucked it up and didn't complain. Too much.

On Sunday more of my extended family came to town and we celebrated M.'s baptism and Mother's Day. It truly was a blessed day.

I have lots of pictures that I've been wanting to upload but my computer is so slow and it always takes forever to do it, so I've been dreading it. And procrastinating. But yesterday my cousin sent us a video he put together with pictures of the weekend and he said I could share it with you here. Just as a warning, it does have music....in case you are at work.

I've never seen this website before, but I just love this video. You can check it out here.

If I could just point out a couple of things....be sure to check out the TMNT cake. My cousin MaLinda made that BY HAND!! She is a cake making genius. And that's an understatement. Also, look at M's baptism gown. That gown has been in our family for over 100 years. It was originally my great grandfathers and has been worn by a number of us throughout the years. Unfortunately pictures can't really do it justice. It is beautiful.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

10 Reasons why I Love You

  1. You let me be me. At times I’ve been known to be loud, boisterous, crazy, and out of control, and not once have you tried to stifle me.
  2. When in a disagreement you always fight for our relationship even if I’m trying my damnedest to fight against it.
  3. You knew, without a doubt, early on in our relationship (okay, very early on) that we were meant to be together and this did not scare you.
  4. We may not agree on everything (you like Ranch, I like French; you like oldies, I like anything but oldies), but we agree on the big things.
  5. You remind me of my father. You are an outdoorsman, a handyman, and an athlete. These things may seem hollow or maybe even a little vain, but they are important to me as they were the core of my childhood.
  6. You always, always, always see the cup half full. You focus on the positive and encourage me to as well.
  7. You love children and are so good with them.
  8. When I complain about gaining weight you deny it and tell me that my clothing must have shrunk in the washer/dryer. You are not trying to be funny, you seriously believe this. I appreciate the fact that you don’t notice the extra 10 pounds.
  9. You work your butt off to provide for us. You love what you do and your enthusiasm for your work is evident in your success. Looking at you making your career dreams come true inspires me to work for the same.
  10. You are willing to take risks and you trust that together we can make it through anything.

Happy 28th Birthday, Hon. I can’t wait to spend the next 28 years together. I love you!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Like a freight train

There are times when it is expected, seeing a new baby, hearing a pregnancy announcement, attending a baby shower. In these instances you know the emotions are going to run rampant. You know that you may feel out of control – angry, jealous, sad, self-pity. But the knowledge that it might happen seems to lessen the pain. The blow doesn’t feel quite so hard.

But then there are instances when it hits you like a freight train going full speed ahead, destination unknown. It’s these times where the wave of emotions is truly unbearable. Where it burns in your gut and feels like a knife in your heart. I had no idea Mother’s Day was going to be so difficult. I simply didn’t see that train coming.

And as I went to bed last night I had no inclination that still today I would be such a mess. That my emotions would still be swinging all over the board. One minute I want to hit something, throw something, make something/someone else hurt. I’m so pissed off. The next I want to cry, maybe if I shed enough tears these horrible feelings will be washed from my mind and my heart. I’m so desperate and alone. And at still other moments my thoughts are consumed by possibility and hope.

The thing is the drugs; they might have actually worked this month. There is no way of knowing for sure yet and honestly, I don’t know when we will know. But I feel like the possibility, the hope that they did their job that should be enough for me right now, right? Isn’t that what I wanted? Just a chance?

But it’s not. And I feel guilty and sad and angry and pissed off at the world and depressed and scared.

I’m scared.

I’m scared that the drugs didn’t do their job and that I’m going to have to face the negative test result in a few weeks time.

But I’m also scared that they did. It sounds insane, but I’m actually scared of getting pregnant.

I’m scared when we announce our pregnancy that people will have a hard time mustering up excitement and joy – because lets face it, I’ve always had a quick temper, but these last ten months I’ve been a royal effing bitch. And that makes me full of anger at myself. And days like today I want to punish myself for my defective body and punish myself for letting my emotions get the best of me and punish myself for some of the thoughts and feelings I’ve been having.

And I’m also scared that if people are happy they may say things like “See, you just needed to relax.” Or “I knew it would happen when the time was right.” And the thought of those comments, well, right now I don’t think I’d be able to handle them. And that makes me mad at myself for not being able to control my feelings, my words, or my temper. And I’m fearful that if I were to hear these words I might snap. I might utter something back that is mean and degrading. And just the thought that I might do that makes me angry at myself.

And I’m also scared that if we do get pregnant that somehow this whole experience, these last 10 months will be discounted because I didn’t suffer long enough or have to endure enough. That I’ll feel like this depression I’m in right now is unwarranted, devalued.

But most of all I’m scared that regardless of what happens this month or next month or the month after that, that the damage of the last 10 months is already done.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

April Fitness Challenge Winners

Congratulations Justin & CaSondra!!!


That's right, we have TWO Fitness Challenge winners for April! A big congrats goes out to Justin (a/k/a Buck) and CaSondra!! They both turned in 60+ bonus points for April. I could figure out just how much water that was, but it is getting late so lets just say they drank a whole lot 'o water last month! Congratulations you two!

Justin, since you were a previous month prize winner you will be receiving a $10 gift certificate to either MC Sports or Dunhams (or the store of your choice as long as the certificate can be purchased online).

CaSondra, please send me an email or leave a comment with your prize choice from the list below:
  1. Corey Everson 55cm Anti Burst Stability Ball - My all time favorite training day is that which I work abs. Followed closely by biceps, triceps, and/or delts. Oh, and I like squats. Have I ever told you how much I love to lift? I've realized lately that lifting is the thing that whips my body back in shape the quickest. I think we all have something that does the trick and finding what it is and making sure that we include it in our weekly workouts is what is key. But, back to the abs. I could spend all night talking about all the different moves I like to incorporate into my ab workouts but I do not want to bore you. Suffice it to say the stability ball is one of the tools I like to use. I don't actually have this specific ball, but because it is an anti burst, I have high hopes for it. I actually did have one ball pop on me (not while I was using it or anything, though that would be funny to see), so that quality is important. This ball also comes with a instructional chart showing different exercises. For anyone thinking about purchasing a stability ball, note that your height will determine what size would be best for you. The 55cm accommodates people up to 5'7".


  2. Champion Double Dry Seamless Sports Bra - This might be a little too much information for some of you and for that I'm sorry, but this bra....it's like a piece of heaven. I have this weird obsession with buying new things but then waiting for weeks upon weeks to actually use them. I think it is because once I use them they are no longer new. I wasted precious weeks of my life not using this bra the second I brought it home from the store. I love it! It is comfortable and feels like my own skin. Now I know that I don't have a whole lot to....um....should we say, protect? But still, when I went for a jog in this I felt nothing. Okay, stop with the comments, I can hear you all now, what exactly was I expecting to feel, right?? They jiggle....a little...I swear!! Stop looking at me like that :) This particular bra said it was for "high motion control" for activities such as jogging, tennis, and volleyball. I believe there was also a "medium motion control" option for activities like walking and cycling. Although, as comfortable as this one was for me, I would use it for any and all of these activities.

  3. CamelBak: The Performance Bottle or The Better Bottle - Because this month's challenge was the Hydration Station I have to include my all time favorite water bottle. I've had lots of water bottles (including other highly recognized name brands which I won't mention here... shhh....nalgene) but my CamelBak is by far the best one I've ever had. I currently have The Better Bottle and the two things I love most about it are 1) It doesn't leak, even if it is flipped upside down and 2) you don't have to unscrew the cap to take a drink. I carry this thing with me every single day to work in my bag or, better know as, my life which hangs from my shoulder, and not once have I had an issue with leakage. I'm giving you the option of this bottle or The Performance Bottle, which I'd really like to get my hands on myself. It looks perfect, PERFECT!, for the gym because it is a squeeze bottle, which for some reason I prefer if I'm using the cardio machines. The Better Bottle, on the other hand is great for hiking or any other outdoor day trips (or indoor, like a day at the office) where you can easily toss it in your bag or car and when you are not worrying as much about grip issues or squeezability. Like that new word I just included all nonchalant like? Squeezability.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

May Fitness Challenge

I'm not quite ready to announce the April Winner as there are still just a couple of people I need to collect points from, but I did want to give you this months challenge....

I don't know about you but April was a rough month for me. I'm not sure if it was because the challenge wasn't as much fitness related or if it was just that time of year when slacking sets in, but either way those first two weeks in particular I showed a very weak performance. In hopes to combat that, this months challenge was inspired by Justin (a/k/a Buck or my brother) and revolves around setting and working towards your goals.

For this month at the beginning of each week I want you to think about what you'd like to accomplish, fitness wise, that week. Maybe it is to earn x amount of points, or work out x number of days, or run x miles in x minutes, or do x number of crunches.....it doesn't matter what it is as long as it is a) fitness related and b) challenging (not back breaking challenging, but you know what I mean, something you have to work towards). If you accomplish your goal by the end of the week, award yourself 10 bonus points.

Each weeks goals can be independent of each other, or, if you'd like, you could pick one thing you'd like to accomplish by months end and each week set your goals in order to build up to that month end goal. It is completely up to you. Have fun and enjoy your exercise!

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If anyone has any ideas for future months challenges, I'm open for suggestions!