Monday, March 10, 2008

To Qlarify

I’ve been thinking about the post I wrote yesterday ever since I hit publish. This morning I’ve thought about taking it down, deleting it before anyone else has to read it, before I run the risk of anyone interpreting my feelings the wrong way. So before we go any further I just want to clarify a few things. I wrote this post because some of my behavior lately has been despicable. Right now I’m full of guilt and anguish and I’m just trying to make sense of it all. When I look deep inside I realize that I haven’t been completely honest with myself lately. I’ve been saying that I’m okay, that things are going well but the reality is they aren’t. I don’t feel good about life right now, no matter how hard I try to will myself those good happy feelings, inside I’m feeling very blank and void. This weekend I lashed out at someone who is very important to me. I can say I’m sorry, but I can’t take the words back and after much contemplation I realize it is time to start being honest with myself, to start dealing with my feelings before I hurt others. Because no one caused any of this, it is no ones fault. Not yours. Not mine. But if I don’t get in touch with my feelings now I may loose those that matter the most to me.

As I was writing the last post I thought long and hard about including the commentary about how others words don’t always help. How sometimes they make it worse. I thought about skipping that part, leaving it out, pretending it isn’t the case. But if I’m being truthful, I can’t leave this out. At the same time, by being honest I am afraid I may hurt others feelings again. Please don’t take these words that way. There is no running tally of who has said what; in actuality I’m just grateful that you have said anything and I am grateful that you have opened your ears and listened.

What scares me so much these days is that if I can’t get in touch with my feelings, if I can’t sort it out internally then I am going to slowly alienate those around me. I know this blanket of darkness and these feelings of hopelessness can be felt by others and I can’t blame anyone from not wanting to be around that. At the beginning of this journey I promised myself that I would not get angry, I would not get bitter. I would not allow these negative emotions. But without my consent, it has happened anyway and I know that I need to put a stop to it before my heart turns completely black. So please bear with me, and if I’ve offended you in anyway, feel free to speak up, because that is not my intent. My friends and family mean the world to me; it is all of you that give me the will, the drive, to be a better person.


Aubrey said...

I'll speak for myself here. I wasn't not offended by what you said. It was so honest and raw and I could tell that you just wanted to let people know what was going on inside so that we could understand what was happening outside.

I totally can understand the blue/black funk you are in too. I just started finding the light in mine. While our stuggles are on opposite spectrums, our reactions are the same. It is hard not to be resentful to those adding to your feelings. For me it was the kids. And after reading yours and Embers posts, I was reminded to be grateful for my kids. While I will continue to have frustrations, I have family and friends who will be there for me and try to hold my hand as I find the light. I want to be that for you too. I hope to listen and be a comfort. I always say what I'm feeling. I know that isn't the best thing all the time, but don't you think honesty is better than a lie? People will know exactly where you stand and can step back and think about what you really meant. I think honesty can be forgiven while a lie will change things forever.

Thank you for sharing the truth Kate! I love you, attitude and all. For all of your faults and all of your strengths, YOU are who I "fell in love" with as a child and chose to have as a life long friend.

Gail said...

wow...reading your posts lately has really brought my past issues with infertility to the surface. I'm not saying this is you or what you would do but, I do know where you're at. I said horrible, rotten, awful, mean things to people (mostly while on clomid - shame they don't list that as a side effect)and in some ways, I think I wanted them to feel just as badly as I did - for them to experience some hurt instead of me. Sometimes I'd want to pull those mean words back in. Other times, I was happy to have hurt them...especially my mother-in-law. Again, I'm not saying this is you, I'm just saying it's normal to be pissed off, it's normal to have behavior that is despicable. Your friends love you Kate, and as long as you keep the door open, they'll help hold you up through everything you need even if you hurt their feelings.