I’ve been thinking about the post I wrote yesterday ever since I hit publish. This morning I’ve thought about taking it down, deleting it before anyone else has to read it, before I run the risk of anyone interpreting my feelings the wrong way. So before we go any further I just want to clarify a few things. I wrote this post because some of my behavior lately has been despicable. Right now I’m full of guilt and anguish and I’m just trying to make sense of it all. When I look deep inside I realize that I haven’t been completely honest with myself lately. I’ve been saying that I’m okay, that things are going well but the reality is they aren’t. I don’t feel good about life right now, no matter how hard I try to will myself those good happy feelings, inside I’m feeling very blank and void. This weekend I lashed out at someone who is very important to me. I can say I’m sorry, but I can’t take the words back and after much contemplation I realize it is time to start being honest with myself, to start dealing with my feelings before I hurt others. Because no one caused any of this, it is no ones fault. Not yours. Not mine. But if I don’t get in touch with my feelings now I may loose those that matter the most to me.
As I was writing the last post I thought long and hard about including the commentary about how others words don’t always help. How sometimes they make it worse. I thought about skipping that part, leaving it out, pretending it isn’t the case. But if I’m being truthful, I can’t leave this out. At the same time, by being honest I am afraid I may hurt others feelings again. Please don’t take these words that way. There is no running tally of who has said what; in actuality I’m just grateful that you have said anything and I am grateful that you have opened your ears and listened.
What scares me so much these days is that if I can’t get in touch with my feelings, if I can’t sort it out internally then I am going to slowly alienate those around me. I know this blanket of darkness and these feelings of hopelessness can be felt by others and I can’t blame anyone from not wanting to be around that. At the beginning of this journey I promised myself that I would not get angry, I would not get bitter. I would not allow these negative emotions. But without my consent, it has happened anyway and I know that I need to put a stop to it before my heart turns completely black. So please bear with me, and if I’ve offended you in anyway, feel free to speak up, because that is not my intent. My friends and family mean the world to me; it is all of you that give me the will, the drive, to be a better person.