Monday, February 4, 2008

Mixed Emotions

We spent this past weekend in Milwaukee visiting some of my friends from college. The drive down was pretty uneventful until we hit Good Hope. And that’s when it happened, that’s when it always happens. Oh shit, oh shit, what is going on? What are these emotions that are going all stir crazy inside me?? Abort mission! Turn the car around, this place always does this to me!

I love it and I hate it. I miss the old times while at the same time I long for the future. I want to go back to Friday night happy hours at Club Brady. I want to dance the night away at Cush and shit, I wouldn’t even mind making a stop to smoke the hookah. At the same time I can’t wait to bring my children to a game a Miller Park, or take them to the Milwaukee County Zoo or the Public Museum.

As we exit on Van Buren, I start to feel guilty that I miss the partying days. Aren’t those supposed to be behind me? Aren’t we trying to start a family? Remember, you don’t like hangovers any more.

I know....I bet I’d feel better if we had a baby in the back seat. Then I could look back and smile and say, hey little one, this is the city where Mommy and Daddy met. We had some crazy fun times here. But Thank God those days are over and you’re with us now.

The problem is… we don’t have a baby. It is just the two of us in the car and I realize that I’m in limbo. Not quite the party girl I used to be, not yet the mother I want to be. Just stuck here in the middle…missing the past but yearning for the future.

6 comments:

Kristin C. said...

You'll get there! There is supposed to be a moment between college and baby...a time to get to know yourself as an adult, in a marriage, with a mortgage. A time when you enjoy your independance and your maturity...kind of settle into life. It seems like these emotions are bubbling up because you are are feeling ready for the next step...and that's awesome...just know that it doesn't always happen overnight..and you'll get there.

Tessie said...

I still think about college often, and I HAVE the baby (TODDLER!) in the backseat. I do miss it, but I also have a habit of remembering the parties and the guys and the girlfriends SANS hangover. I also forget about the shitty apartment infested with CRICKETS and the credit card debt, and working a shitty restaurant job. AND SO ON. I think for me it's more about a time in my life when I was truly carefree and felt pretty good about myself.

Anyway, good post. I relate.

Em said...

Exactly, Kate! I could relate to this post so much...probably because, oh, I've been ready for family part for many years now. It is weird feeling so in limbo. Sometimes, I even think, shit, Drew and I SHOULD return to our partying days, because it's not like this baby-making thing has been working out for us so well. I think Kristin C. is right, though, that the angst comes from being more than ready for the next step...to be a mommy. Once you're ready, and then can't seem to get where you truly want to be, it can be depressing.

Anyway, thanks for this post. The being in limbo thing? Sucks. That's all there is to it.

Love you, hon.

Aubrey said...

I don't know guys. I'd have to second what Tessie said. Even with a baby (or 3) you never quite get over that longing of the freedom and carefree feelings that only come the first few years of independence. I know Darrell and I have stuggled for years watching our friends enjoy going out with each other, having others over to their house to have raucous parties, or just have the "freedom" that comes with only worrying about yourself. Sometimes we're forced to change, but I don't know that the longing for something else ever stops. The grass is always greener...

Michele said...

Oh, I can relate to missing college. I miss college too, not for the work or studying, by any means. More for the closeness of friends. There was always someone around to go shopping with, watch a movie, keep your mind off of reality...
During High School there were always people around too! We had so much fun, always being around each other. This stage in life can be different for many people that do not have their closest friends that close (distance wise). I often find myself wanting to go back to LaCrosse... but things are different there now, and none of my friends are going to be there now either. I know what I miss is being so near to all of my best friends.

Erin said...

I miss the party days still. I feel like I never really enjoyed them, too, because I was often thinking/ worrying just like you are now. ENJOY YOUR TIME when it's just the two of you. It's SO hard to do, but once you have the baby in the backseat, it's for keeps. Yeah, that's so obvious, etc., but there's no going back.

And about your question on my post about running. Holy crap, it IS hard to make time to run. But it really helps, in fact it makes all the difference in the world, that BOTH of us want/need to do it. Otherwise I think there would be resentment between who got to go spend time with their hobby and who didn't.