Saturday, February 23, 2008

Better than Expected

Over the last few months our struggle with getting pregnant has been torture on my emotional state. I swing from being sad and depressed and full of self pity to happy and thankful for the blessings that we do have in our life. The feelings that are the hardest for me to swallow are the occasional bouts of anger, jealousy and bitterness. I’m not happy to admit that once I had excuse myself from the room because watching Ma & Pa Kono coo over a baby filled me with envy. Why isn’t that our baby? Why do we have to go through this? I left the room because the jealousy I was feeling made me angry with myself. That night I came home, popped in my Tae Bo tape and tried to burn off my anger with a little Billy therapy. As he yelled, Get those knees up! I burst into tears. I bawled. And I didn’t even care that Billy was watching.

I had a baby shower to attend today and I have to admit I was really nervous about going. I knew I was going to be surrounded by little kids and pregnant women and I was worried about the emotions that might well up inside of me. I made plans to come home right afterward and made sure everyone knew it. I said it was because of the dog and in part it was, but it was mostly because I knew there was a possibility that I’d need to be alone tonight.

I am so happy to tell you that attending the shower today had the exact opposite effect on me. Seeing Sam (the mommy-to-be) and her pregnant belly made me happy and hopeful. I’m so excited and I can’t wait until Collin and I become parents. I don’t know when that will be, but today I felt certain that it will happen. Somehow, someway, we will create our family.

I can’t guarantee this feeling will last long, tomorrow I might be in tears again or stomping around pissed at the world. But for now I’m hopeful and that’s because of the support we’ve been getting from our family and friends. Back in July, when we first started trying, we didn’t tell anyone. Hoping we’d get pregnant easily, we wanted it to be a surprise for our parents. Around October we started telling a few people and by December it was no longer a secret from anyone. We debated and debated about “letting the cat out of the bag” so to speak. It was a hard decision to make, but I am now certain that it was the right one.

After I hit publish on that last post I stepped away from the computer and thought, well, no one’s going to want to touch that with a 10-foot poll. But you did, and your words were so much appreciated. So I just want to say Thank you. You guys make the struggles in life bearable. I feel so blessed.


LA & BD said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I think it's perfectly normal for you to experience the swing of emotions. Hang in there - I hope everything will work out for you two soon! ~LA

Em said...

Ever since our phone conversation Friday night, I've been repeating our mantra, "This is our year to become parents...this is our year..." I am still full of hope, and prayer, every day that we'll be granted that blessing...that miracle. As always, I am so sorry you have to experience this. But I am so thankful to be going through it with you, together.

Kristin C. said...

I'm happy to hear that your experiance at the shower was a positive one. I know that your emotions will fluctuate on this subject...but that is SO healthy! Can you imagine if you were eternally pissed off or the opposite? You wouldn't be human.

Kate said...

Thank you everyone, your comments make me feel sane, when somedays I think I'm anything but. :)

Aubrey said...

Okay, I'm going to let the old Aubrey come out. Not the Mama Aubrey since you are in that spot still. You'll accept me that way..."Fuck what everything is telling you and trust your feelings." Be pissed when you're pissed, sad when you're sad. And revel in that hopefullness and happiness when you're lucky enough to experience it. That's who we are. Emotional creatures that are able to go through so much in our lives and still move on. You've got a great husband and family and friends who will be there come hell or high water. And I'm sure that God has a kid or two (or six or ten) for you (and Em). Maybe your baby just needs a little more time learning everything you will need in your life before it comes join you here. I'm certain that we learn something before we come join our parents and help them through life. I didn't really realize this until I was pregnant with Gabe. So let it all out and keep the faith chicky.